HCI History, Part 4: Shifts

For our first five years, our primary focus was the relational classes developed by Equipping Ministries International: Listening for Heaven’s Sake, Speaking the Truth in Love, Renewing the Mind, and Confronting Conflict. And Theophostic Prayer Ministry. We offered the EMI classes, often several at a time, several times a year. We also began training lay people in Theophostic Prayer ministry (TPM now renamed Transformation Prayer Ministry) in November of 2005. We took groups from Church of the Apostles to Theophostic training events. First in Hampton, Virginia, then a year later in Chesapeake. The following year to Orlando. We hosted live Theophostic training at Apostles. Then invited Ed Smith to return and supervise us as facilitators. We held video training for Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM). We soon had a team of 20 commissioned TPM facilitators offering weekly appointments in pairs. The TPM team also met together monthly for further training and development.

It was not always easy. The man who had given Hayes the original TPM DVD set felt that he should be in charge and often challenged my leadership. One time he told me, “No man will follow you because you are a woman.” This stirred up some buried pain! I had a history of being a woman in a man’s world going back to high school when I was one of two girls who took physics and calculus my senior year. Then when I became a geologist there weren’t many women in the field. I could write a book of stories about that experience. But one will suffice. My boss, a wonderful father figure, and I were visiting a camp on the North Slope of Alaska. The first night one of the men threatened to kill me! Thankfully I had taken my two-man tent about thirty feet beyond the large canvas tents housing the men and slept through all the drama, but the field party was up all night to protect me. I only learned of what had transpired in the morning when no one else got up for breakfast, including the cook. Thanks to my graduate school advisors and my boss, I excelled as a geologist. Having men challenge my leadership was familiar, but at times the disrespect goaded me. The man who challenged me regarding TPM apparently even told people that he believed he should be the head of the Healing Center!

During this season we (church and Healing Center) also hosted revival and soaking prayer conferences that packed the sanctuary. Our speakers were powerfully anointed: Mahesh Chavda, Randy Clark, and Mary Audrey Raycroft (from the Toronto Airport Vineyard). Ruth Fazal and her band.

Sam and I continued serving at The Father’s Blessing, the Friday evening healing service led by Margie and David Harper. The Spirit was moving at Apostles and we were right in the middle of it. We saw people healed, lives changed. We were healed too, as I have described in the book Miracles.

In 2007 we began to experience a shift in the Healing Center. We weren’t looking to change. The changes came to us in various ways. Looking back, it was as if we were waiting on the bank of a mighty river, gazing upstream. We could see something floating at a distance but didn’t recognize what they were, and certainty not how much they would add to our healing repertoire until we gathered them into our arms, like flowers, and began to be nourished by their beauty and fragrance.

One shift began when a woman from New Zealand moved to Reston and began attending Apostles. Ann had experienced tremendous losses. Shortly before she came to us her husband, an Anglican rector in Singapore, had died from SARs. She had not been allowed to see him in the hospital when he took ill. At his death she lost her home (the parsonage), her church, and her visa. She was given only a short time to gather her belongings and leave Singapore.

I tried to minister to her but quickly realized that I did not have what she needed. We needed something more. For years I had noticed that some of the people who came to the prayer stations at Apostles—times when healing prayer was offered during communion—were often holding in tremendous grief. I would mention it and ask if they wanted to release their sorrow to Jesus. Many were glad to do so. It was not unusual for weeping people to fall into my arms and shake with sobs. Many told me they had not been able to cry and release the pent-up pain—even when the losses had occurred years before.

God was making me aware of a need. Ann and I decided to teach a class on grief, which we called Facing Life’s Losses, during the holiday season of 2007. I chose that season because it is a difficult one for those who are grieving. Eventually Ann returned to New Zealand, but I continued to teach Facing Life’s Losses each year during the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Another shift came through a young woman from India. Miriam and her American husband Nathan often attended the Father’s Blessing. I had prayed with them on occasion. One evening she asked if she could intern under me while working on her MSW (Masters of Social Work) at Loyola. While she interned with HCI, she and her husband lived in our basement.

Miriam gave me a copy of the book Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. As I read the book I was struck over and over again . . . this is true. This is also true. This too.  It was a whole new way of thinking—the Life Model: An idealized model of what each of us needs to receive and master at every stage of life, infant to elder.

We contacted the organization, Shepherd’s House, that had given birth to the book and learned that they were releasing a new series of classes. By 2008, we were testing the two that were available—Restarting and Belonging—at Apostles in three small groups. Some found the material—especially the sections on attachment styles and addiction—too intense, but many (me included) found the teaching on love and fear bonds, maturity, and human development like fresh bread for my hungry heart.

My friend Cheryl Collins and I wanted to know more. I visited Shepherd’s House in 2009 while on the way to my dad’s nursing home. Later, I met David Takle. Then Cheryl and I went to training in North Carolina on Restarting and Belonging. We went to the annual Thrive conference in Pasadena where the keynote speaker was Dallas Willard. In 2010 David Takle released Forming and HCI was one of the first to offer this life-changing class. Around 2011 we went to Moravian Falls to see Ed Khouri speak about the Life Model and met Father Andrew Miller (now Bishop Miller), the founder of HeartSync.

It was a thrilling time. We began to understand why healing prayer alone was not enough. People needed to face their losses and surrender their sorrow to Jesus. We also learned that every one of us has infant and childhood maturity deficits. We could bravely tackle them one at a time and increase our maturity and capacity. We learned that addictions were unhealthy attachments that took the place of the healthy attachments to God and people. We also learned from our trip to Moravia Falls that our hearts had parts!  But this revelation was so startling that we kept it quiet for some time.

The world and what we needed began to make sense. The new tools accelerated our own transformation, as well as the transformation of those around us. My youngest daughter recently said, “I remember when you and Dad started to learn all that stuff and my life changed dramatically for the better.” Although Sarah does not recall when that happened, I believe it was during this rich season of growth and change.

But there was more opposition. Looking back, I see that I was oblivious to who and what opposed us. The Lord had to make it clear because I did not want to see it. Why would anyone oppose us when we were doing such good work?

One of the Associate priests spoke up at a church staff meeting. He said that the Healing Center was trying to take over the church. I was hurt by this accusation and left the meeting upset. I went back to my office, which I shared with Cheryl. I knew from the Life Model that one of the childhood tasks is to learn to explain themselves to those who misunderstood them.

I did not want to do this! It was clear! I had this deficit.

Cheryl led me in healing prayer. Then, when I had received comfort from God, I marched down the hallway to the priest and knocked on his door. I took a deep breath and said, “In the meeting you said that the Healing Center is trying to take over the church. I want you to know that this is not my heart. I am not trying to elbow out other ministries. I am not trying to make everyone a prayer minister. I believe we all need healing so we can do what we are called to do, whatever that might be.” He backed off a bit and we had a cordial conversation. I left his office feeling much more confident. I had gotten prayer ministry and released the pain to Jesus. I had stood up for myself without emotional intensity. I had been received. It worked!

But not everyone was so open about their views. Sometimes opposition was forming behind my back. In January of 2008 I had a very vivid dream in which I was walking on a bridge when I encountered a huge snake. I would estimate that it was about ten feet across, while coiled, with a neck diameter of about eight inches. It was calm and complacent. Only its tongue flicking in and out let me know that it was awake and aware of my presence.

The bridge had wire supports, somewhat like the Golden Gate Bridge, only they were not just on the sides but also across the top of the bridge, a bit like a roller coaster. I had to climb up the wires to cross the bridge.  About thirty feet up there was a place where the wire structure flattened out a bit and there was a second snake, identical in size to the first one, but this one was surrounded by ten or twelve people from Apostles. I recognized the people. They seemed very concerned about the snake. They were standing so close to it that they were almost touching it, bent over a bit as if to get a closer look. It seemed as though they had been worried initially about the presence of this gigantic poisonous snake but somehow their concern had gone from being worried about the snake to being worried for the snake, as if their primary concern was the snake's health and well-being instead of the danger this snake posed to them.

I watched for a moment in discomfort. They seemed not to see me. Then I continued to climb up and over the wires of the bridge.

I was approaching another crest where the bridge structure flattened out—but was not yet high enough to see what was beyond the crest—when a third snake lunged at me with his mouth wide open. He was large enough to swallow me—at least my head—and its mouth was wide open. I could see his long fangs but they were still tucked inside his mouth.  In an instant, his mouth came down over my head, stopping at my shoulders, as it tried to swallow me whole. I reached up and tried to grab its thick neck and choke it to death.

 It was a gruesome feeling to have my head inside the mouth of the snake. Thoughts assailed me. I should give up. Who am I to defeat such a powerful snake? I could feel the jaw bones of the snake against my thumbs and forefingers, but I could barely get my hands around its neck. The snake was so large, but I could not give up. I tightened my grip and after several minutes the snake went slack. I had killed it. I awoke, badly shaken.

Years later, God showed me that I had not killed the snake. He had. He took me back to the memory and I saw his huge fist squeezing the body of snake just beyond my little hands. He was the one who throttled it.

On November 13th or 14th, 2008, about ten months after the initial dream, the dream came back to me. I was not asleep this time. I was resting when images of the dream returned to my mind. I began praying that God would show me the meaning of the dream, but I heard nothing.

On Monday, November 17th I had the distinct impression that I should email the dream to some intercessors. I felt some caution. I did not want anyone to be disturbed by such graphic images, so I carefully chose a few people and emailed the dream to them.

Oh, the power of prayer! The next morning, as I was rising to wakefulness, God gave me the interpretation of the dream. The first snake, the one who seemed to be complacent, was named "Status Quo."  It paid no attention to me, or so it seemed. It simply wanted to be left alone, and although it was a dangerous, poisonous snake, no one knew about it or understood the danger it posed to the church. The second snake that was getting all the attention, was named "Disunity." There was a great concern about disunity, even a bending toward it, to the point where the truth was being suppressed for the sake of a false "unity."

The third snake and the first snake were the same snake.  Once I got out in front, alone, the "complacent" snake came after me to destroy me. As it bit me, its name changed from "Status Quo" to "Betrayal." As I lay in bed, feeling a bit of fear, I asked God, “How can I slay a snake that big?  This is beyond me!”  

He said, "The secret to killing the snake is to not take offense at those who come against you, to release them from all bitterness and resentment, and to forgive them." But I didn’t know who was coming against me.

As I lay there taking this all in, I sensed God saying, Call Mark Robbins. Mark was not only my friend; at that time he was also the senior warden at Apostles.  I was still half asleep and I did not understand the urgency, but it did not let up so I finally forced myself up and went into my office to look for a church directory. But it was not in its usual spot.

I told God that I would call Mark after I had a bowl of cereal, but again he said, Call him now. He is in the car. So I went downstairs and found the church directory in the kitchen. Mark's cell phone number was scrawled next to his printed name.  

I called.

Mark said, "I am in the car in heavy traffic so I can talk now."  

In my half-awake state, I said, "I know," not thinking how odd that would sound to him.  

"Huh?" he said, sounding a bit startled.

Then I explained that God had told me he would be in the car. I told him about the dream.

Mark listened, then said, “I know who is betraying you.” He named another member of the church staff. He shared that this man frequently denigrated me to the rector, impugning my motives. “In fact,” he said, “as I listen to him describe you, it does not sound like the person I know! I find myself thinking, ‘Where is he getting this?’ I’ve known you for a long time and you are not the person he thinks you are.”

I was stunned. I thought back to times this man had announced Healing Center events from the pulpit. He would give the details, but there was something in his tone of voice that made it clear he would never attend an event like the one he was announcing. One time he even said, “if that is your kind of thing . . .” with a sneer that indicated he would certainly not be there.

I had a staff meeting later that morning. I drove to the church and went straight to the prayer chapel where I met with the group of intercessors who would be praying with us during the meeting. I shared the dream and its interpretation with them. Then I went down the hall and around the corner to the staff meeting, where I shared it again.

As the sun climbed in the sky, I began questioning the name of the snake. "Betrayal" seemed too strong. I resisted what God had shown me. I went back and forth. I had been betrayed. It was hard to face. I wanted to rationalize what had been happening by saying things like, "I am sure he didn't mean to undercut me (or the Healing Center).  Healing is not his thing so he doesn't understand its value. No wonder he doesn't want to support it. He just doesn't get it. Or he feels threatened by it."

But as I sat with what had transpired, I sensed God speaking to me. This betrayal was serious. I should not dismiss it or excuse it because God did not. This was a battle that would be fought and won in the heavenlies.

I wrote my intercessors saying,

“I desperately need your prayers.  First, that I would be faithful to forgive and release offense in the face of reality, which shows that I have been betrayed at a very deep level, in particular by one person who I thought was on my side and it turns out has twisted my words so that who I am and what I have said is misrepresented.  It is absolutely imperative that I pass this test by showing Christ-like love and humility to my enemies. I cannot do this without your prayer.

I tend to keep score, be resentful.  Please, I beg you, do not take offense on my behalf or speak to anyone about this. If you are getting this email, it is because I believe you are mature and know that life is full of spiritual battles and that you will not take offense on my behalf.

Second, I pray for justice. I pray that the truth would come to light and be exposed.

Third, pray that I would not be discouraged.  This has been very difficult to face. At one point, God gave me a picture of water in a deep channel being held back by a thick wooden gate. Over and over again the water rammed the gate.  I believe the water is going to ram the gate so hard that it will splinter and be broken into a thousand pieces.

In truth, I struggled to fully forgive. It was not until 2020 when I had a vision of a Trinitarian courtroom where I was able to completely forgive this man, as well as the challenging man on the TPM team. That courtroom experience was told in my June 2022 blong.

Here is a short summary: On October 20, 2021, I went on a silent retreat. As I read scripture, I began to have a vision of a courtroom where the Trinity was enthroned. There was a small gallery. I recognized my parents, my mom in the third row, my dad further back. They waved, but it was a holy place. We were there for a purpose, so I had no thought of going to them.

At first, I assumed that I was to be judged, and I dropped, face to the floor. To my surprise, the Lord said, “Arise” and handed me a scepter shaped like a conch shell at the top. The first two people who were being judged were the two men who had harmed me. The Lord brought the first one forward and said, “This person betrayed you. Do you remember?”

I said, simply, “Yes.” I sometimes offered a few words, but it was a holy place, not a place where one said much, and I do not remember if I said anything about this man. Then the Lord asked, “Do you forgive him?”

I’ve always found it hard to forgive, but in that holy place, I came to understand that the Trinity had seen it all, even the parts that I had not seen. It mattered to them. They had taken account. Knowing this made it easy to forgive. And so I did. First the man who betrayed me and then the man who harassed me. And many more. One person one a time.

At one point I expressed surprise that the Trinity was judging people who were still alive, but they quickly responded, “If we did not judge the world, it would devolve into chaos and darkness.” In an instant I realized that it is the conviction of the Holy Spirit that keeps us from destroying each other, that draws us into their light, and that empowers us to do good when temptation is nigh.

Several years later, this same man betrayed our rector, David Harper, and was let go.  Perhaps the snake named betrayal was about more than me and HCI.