You Never Know How What You've Learned Will Comfort Someone You Love

“No!”

“It can’t be.”

“We have to get in the car and go to the hospital! We haven’t had a chance to say good-bye.” There was only one problem, the hospital was 340 miles away.

“They can’t leave him.”

“God, why did you take him from us!”

“How will Will’s mom and dad survive without their little boy? Their only child?”

Both of my granddaughters were screaming as loud as they possibly could. I was a little surprised to discover I was not triggered by their intensity. They had just learned a dear friend, a boy, only eight years old had died. And their words just poured out at high volume.

Much to my surprised I found myself thinking, This is healthy. It is good for them to pour out their hearts. I am glad I am here with them.

At first I just stayed with them, a quiet, comforting presence, but later I began to address their concerns:

“You can be angry with God. He can take it.”

“Will’s parents may find that their suffering has changed them in a good way. A children’s cancer doctor once told me that many parents say, ‘obviously I would not have wanted my child to suffer. But I have been changed for the good, and I would not want to go back to being the person I was before they died.’”

Soon my granddaughters were spent and calm. They played with a little girl in the neighborhood. They picked blueberries.

I told them that the grief would be back . . . they would not have control over it. It was like waves at the beach. Some would wet their feet and others might knock them over. And that different members of their family might express their sorrow in different forms. That did not mean those who grieved differently did not care. Everyone grieves differently.

The next day when they were bickering, I told them, “I think you are touchy with each other because you are sad about Will’s death.” At first they looked shocked. Then they realized it was true.

Their loss reminded me of an article I wrote some years ago for Christian Parenting Today. Here it is:

When Little Ones Grieve

Until recently most psychologists thought that toddlers were too young to grieve. They can't even talk yet, they argued. And they certainly don't understand the meaning of death or divorce.

It's true. Toddlers don't understand death. Young children are famous for making silly statements like, "I want to go visit Daddy in heaven." Or asking, "Is Grandpa hungry in his grave?"

That's because toddlers are just beginning to understand that people still exist when they can't see them. In their young minds, when Mommy walks out of the room she literally disappears—only to magically reappear later. No wonder they don't comprehend the finality of death. In fact, most children are seven or eight years old before they realize that death is permanent.

But that doesn't mean toddlers don't grieve. "A young child's greatest fear is abandonment," says Dr. Diane Komp, a pediatric oncologist at Yale University School of Medicine and author of the book Images of Grace (Zondervan). When a child loses a primary caregiver, such as a parent, through death or divorce they feel abandoned. Sadly, few parents realize that toddlers also grieve a parent's extended absence. To them it's as though that parent has died.

Even when there is no change in caregivers, a young child may grieve pain from abuse or neglect or pain from the death of a sibling or other relative. Children intuitively sense their parent's pain. "Even the youngest child knows when their family routine is disrupted and those around them are upset," say Talking to Children About Death, a PDF available online here: https://stonybrookmedicine.edu/sites/default/files/talkingtochildrenaboutdeath-nih.pdf

How can you recognize grief in a toddler? And how can you help them process their grief?

First, recognize that toddlers process grief differently than adults. “They experience grief in their whole bodies,” says Dr. Kyle Pruett of the National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Their Families. They can have trouble sleeping, lose their appetite, and lose interest in play. They may cry, have nightmares, act out, have a sad face or withdraw. Children who withdraw may ignore their parent or not want to be touched.

Second, know that children work through their grief over many months or even years as they grow and mature. "Don't think they have stopped thinking about it just because they don't talk about it," cautions Ellen Goode, a children's trauma specialist at Children's Hospital Pittsburgh.

They may ask questions months or even years later. As children mature they may need to revisit their grief. They need the freedom to go over it again in the light of their growing capacity to understand what happened. They need to know it's okay to ask questions. And know they will receive honest answers—not euphemisms like Grandpa went to sleep or took a long trip. "These can frighten a child," cautions Goode.

Parents also need to come to terms with their own grief so they can respond to their child's questions with sympathy, support, and honesty.

Most of all, spend time with your child. A grieving child needs extra attention, says Don F. Johnson, a specialist in childhood traumas at Northwestern College. Play with them and listen. "Play is the single most effective way to communicate with young children," say Drs. Hemfelt and Warren of the Minirth-Meier Clinic. "What your child says in the course of imaginative play may well shock the socks off you."

This article by Elizabeth Moll Stalcup, Ph.D. was published previously in Christian Parenting Today.