By Michelle G.
I recently changed jobs and the transition has been stressful. I feel I don't know what is expected of me, or how I am supposed to behave. Everything seems different, open ended and unknown. I am in a constant state of overwhelm and uncertainty, and do not feel like myself.
It was during this season of transition that I got into an argument with my husband one Sunday morning about who was going to drive our two boys to church. It was a simple miscommunication. I knew he was not feeling well—his back had gone out—but I still thought he intended to go. I got so triggered that I felt no compassion for him. Everything seemed off—physically, mentally, spiritually. I knew I was behaving badly, but I could not stop. Then I started to feel badly about myself. The words, Look how terrible you are and You shouldn't have done that went through my head. I felt shame. But was too overwhelmed and frustrated to stop.
I went to a familiar place, a wooded place, where I had encountered Jesus before. It was a little overcast, but he was with me. Our hands were clenched tight and our foreheads touched. I began to tell him how I was feeling, pouring out all of my distressing emotions. He received it all. I felt incredibly accepted. Little by little, through interacting with him in this wooded place, my posture began to relax, the tension left as he offered me such acceptance and love. My circumstances had not changed, nothing was different, but somehow after spending time with him, I knew that everything was going to be okay. He was with me. I was safe. I was going to be okay.
I have come to know that he is my Jesus, that I belong there with him and that he belongs to me.
Spending time with Jesus completely changed my perspective. I felt recharged. I felt that I could go on from that point with an increased ability to manage my life. Before the experience of being with Jesus, I felt like I was done; I could not go any further. Connecting with him allowed me to go forward, accepting whatever challenges may come.
In the past, that dynamic—behaving badly then feeling shame—would prevent me from approaching God. I would live in shame and stay stuck with the lies for weeks or even months, until God intervened and somehow broke the cycle. Now, I am more aware of my feelings and am able to recognize when I am stuck. I am much quicker to use the techniques I learned from HCI to connect with God and get his perspective and comfort instead of living in that “stuck place.”