Understanding Overwhelm
/We all get overwhelmed at times, and sadly we overwhelm others. What do I mean by overwhelm? To understand overwhelm we need to understand capacity. I like to picture capacity as a cup. Imagine that you and all the people around you each have a capacity cup that represents how much intensity you can handle before you can’t take more and whatever is in your cup spills out—on you? On your loved ones?
We all have different sized cups. Those will large cups are resilient and can handle a lot of intensity before they get overwhelmed. Those with small cups are easily overwhelmed. Take a moment and think about this: Do you have a stadium-sized cup or a tiny expresso cup or something in between? Has something lowered your capacity today? Or increased it?
Some situations that can lower our capacity, for example are:
Hunger.
Thirst.
Fatigue.
Being face-to-face with a person with whom we have an unresolved history of being bullied, or controlled.
Angry interactions with someone with whom we normally share harmony—but not right now.
Recent losses that have left us feeling more vulnerable than usual.
Situations that are simply too intense.
Whenever people or situations exceed our capacity, our cups overflow—you can only hold so much—before we become overwhelmed.
It is crucial to recognize signs of overwhelm both in others and in ourselves because often there are ways we can intervene to avoid overwhelm.
The signs of overwhelmed vary from person to person. Here are some signs of overwhelmed that I have detected either in myself or in people I've known:
Crying. Tears can be a healthy release but it can also signal that someone is feeling overwhelmed. In either case it's good to pause and normalize the tears. If you are crying simply tell yourself, “Soul, it is okay to cry. Jesus cried at the grave of Lazarus.” Or you can say those same words to someone else who is crying. Or simply look at them with compassion and hand them a tissue.
Head moving back. Or if standing, the person steps back. Or if seated the person leans away.
Eyebrows shooting up.
Swallowing.
Freezing—when facial expressions go ridged. Or blank.
Breaking eye contact.
Becoming numb or spacey.
Tight chest, or tightness in any part of the body including shoulders, neck or thighs.
Holding one’s breath.
Wanting to get away, or end the call.
Throwing up one's hands.
If you begin to notice overwhelmed cues in your recipient, the best strategy is to simply stop. You can say, “I am noticing signs of overwhelm so let’s take a break.” Fall silent, close your eyes, stop talking and give them space.
Overwhelm and Prayer Ministry
When we're leading prayer ministry it's absolutely crucial that we never overwhelmed the recipient. God never overwhelms us. Here's some things we can do to avoid overwhelming a recipient in a prayer ministry session.
Speak gently, see your recipient with great compassion.
Be tender towards weakness.
Use your reflective listening skills throughout the session to ensure that you understand exactly what the recipient is saying.
Ask permission. Always ask, “Would you like to . . . Would you be willing to . . . (for example) surrender that pain to God?”
Note signs of overwhelm. If you see overwhelm, ask if the person would like to go back to a positive memory. Or ask if they would like to stop for the day.
It's also crucial to be aware of your own overwhelmed cues. You may need to take a break. If you do, simple state that. “I need a break.” Then close your eyes, focus on breathing slowly and deeply. Give yourself time to recover. When you open your eyes you may want to name what was overwhelming you. Keep it short. An example would be saying:
That was too intense for me.
I don’t like to hear such painful stories. It is too much for me.
I needed some silence. It was too much talking for me.
I needed more space.
Use “I” statements. Own your own capacity.
Betsy’s Story
During my early years of doing prayer ministry, I became overwhelmed by a recipient’s testimony. Thankfully I had a prayer ministry partner with me, so I simply stepped out of the room, closed my eyes and surrendered the painful feelings I was experiencing to the Lord. I'm not actually sure how long I was there but I would guess it was less than 15 minutes. Then I was able to return and finish the session. By the end of the session the young woman was experiencing such a profound connection with God that she sat in the chair in silence for over an hour communing with the Lord.
How good he is to us!
Exercise
I would like for you to take a moment and reflective on what you experience in your body, heart and mind when someone is overwhelming you. Perhaps they're talking too much. Or being too forceful about their opinions. Or they are in a state of emotional intensity. Or getting too close to you, in your space.
Make a few notes describing what you feel as best you can today, then come back to this in a week or two after you've had more time to observe your overwhelm cues. You can also ask those you love and trust if they have noticed any signs of overwhelm in you.
The beauty of knowing your own overwhelm cues is that you can take action early before you are about to be slammed by a giant wave of overwhelm. By stopping before you get to that point you can recover capacity faster.
Now it's your turn to be the sleuth. See if you can detect the signs of overwhelm in the ones you love.
What did you notice? If it feels comfortable consider discussing this with the ones you love, perhaps one at a time. See if they are aware of their own overwhelm.
The goal is not overwhelm others. Nothing good comes from overwhelming other people.
Here is what Ed Khouri says about knowing when to stop:
When we know when to stop, we create the space for others to freely belong with us. Overwhelming others with our feelings and opinions does not give them this freedom, and creates distance instead of belonging. Not knowing when to stop is a root cause of abusive and controlling use of power in relationships and in leadership.