When Attunement is Not the Answer!

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This year I’m learning a lot about maturity with HCI’s new maturity curriculum making key information from Jim Wilder’s Complete Guide to Living with Men more approachable and gentler. In that learning, I started working on overcoming maturity gaps especially around regulating every emotion and becoming a more empathetic parent. It felt like it was going well (and certainly has borne good fruit in me) but then a friend helped me see that when I thought I was attuning to anger and helping during a meltdown wasn't just anger or a meltdown at all: it was really a tantrum.  Learning this was a game changer for me.

If you’re like me, the distinction between these three seemed clear as mud and I thought attunement and regulating my own difficult emotions would help others regulate theirs, until it became clear that  attuning was making it worse because it was a tantrum.

So, this article is about learning to notice the differences and what to do with each: anger, tantrums, and meltdowns. While I learned with children, these three happen in adults, too.

In short:

  • Anger = protective emotion, often intense and often based in something worth being angry about. In response, attune to the anger, validate the anger or at least the reason to be angry and in a cool moment talk about the anger and do repair with anyone hurt by the person’s anger. Thinking of biblical examples, Jesus stands out, making a whip and driving the animals, handlers and money changers out of the temple.

  • Tantrum = a goal-driven protest (to get something or avoid something). There’s usually some choice/control, and it often stops if the goal is met. In response, figure out the goal and don’t meet the goal due to the tantrum. If you google ending tantrums most sources say it will get a lot worse before it stops but will stop within 3 weeks when tantrums stop getting what is wanted. Thinking of biblical examples my best idea so far is King Ahab in 1 Kings 21:1-7 where he wants land for a vegetable garden and when told ‘no’ he lays on his bed, eats no food until Jezebel makes a plot to get the land.

  • Meltdown = an involuntary nervous-system overload (sensory, emotional, cognitive). It won’t reliably stop even if demands are met; the person is overwhelmed, not “acting out.” In response: comfort, attune, and most likely ignore it as a challenging behavior. The person melting down is likely to feel embarrassed. In a calm moment, still attuning, talk about what was going on just before the melt down without bringing up the challenging behavior. If you can have conversations afterwords help the person realize what they needed and couldn’t get and practice thinking through calm solutions in calm moments. Biblically, Elijah might fit the bill here in 1 Kings 19:3-8 after the power showdown he flees and collapses and wishes to die and needs sleep, food and rest before he can again hear God’s still small voice.

— Easy rule-of-thumb checks

  1. If the behavior stops soon after getting the thing or escaping the task, it’s more likely a tantrum.

  2. If it continues regardless of outcomes, looks more like a meltdown.

  3. If it is somewhere in between and you find a reason to be angry it is likely anger.

  4. Tantrums often involve watching your reaction; meltdowns look more inward or flooded.

  5. Tantrums respond to limits/choices; meltdowns respond to reducing input and co-regulation, anger responds to validation.

Short Stories

Returning to regulation/joy from Anger with a infant maturity

Little Mia, just 4 years old, was beaming with pride as she stacked her colorful blocks into a tall tower at preschool. Suddenly, another child bumped into it, and the tower crashed to the ground. Mia’s face turned red as she yelled, “That’s mine!” and crossed her arms, pouting. Her teacher, Ms. Clara, knelt down to her level, keeping her voice soft. “I see you’re upset, Mia. It’s okay to be mad when something you worked on falls. Let’s take a big breath together—blow out like you’re a dragon!” Mia huffed a dramatic breath, and Ms. Clara nodded. “Good. Now, do you want to build it again with me, or tell your friend how you feel?” Mia chose to rebuild, and Ms. Clara stayed close, praising her effort. Within minutes, Mia was giggling as the new tower grew, her frustration fading as she felt heard and supported.

Strategies Used: Validating emotions by naming them, co-regulating with a breathing exercise, offering simple choices to regain control, and providing positive reinforcement for moving forward.

Facing a tantrum with someone working on adult maturity

Seventeen-year-old Tom was itching to borrow the family car for a Friday night hangout. When his dad said, “No, not tonight, I need it early tomorrow,” he exploded—slamming his bedroom door, yelling, “You never let me do anything!” and pacing while threatening, “I’ll just walk then!” Dad took a deep breath, staying composed. He knocked lightly and said through the door, “I get you’re frustrated, Tom. The car’s off-limits tonight, but how about I drive you there tomorrow morning for coffee with your friends? Let’s talk when you’re ready.” He stepped away, giving him space. After a few minutes, Tom came out, still grumpy but calmer, and agreed to the morning plan, especially when Dad added, “I’m proud you’re speaking up, even if we disagree.” The tension eased as he felt heard.

Strategies Used: Recognizing the emotion, holding a firm boundary with a clear reason, offering a compromise to meet part of the need, giving space to cool off, and reinforcing positive communication to build trust.

A meltdown with a person working on child maturity tasks

Ten-year-old Sophie, who’s sensitive to noise, was at a school assembly with blaring music, flashing lights, and a packed gym. She tried to cope, gripping her seat, but suddenly burst into sobs, hands over her ears, muttering, “Too loud, too many!” as teachers tried asking questions she couldn’t answer. Her aide, Ms. Jen, acted fast, whispering, “I’m here, let’s go,” and guided her to a quiet hallway, shielding her from curious eyes. She offered noise-canceling headphones from Sophie’s backpack and a fidget toy, sitting silently nearby without pushing for talk. After 30 minutes, Sophie’s breathing steadied, and she mumbled, “Better now.” Ms. Jen gave her water and let her rest longer before suggesting a slow return to class, knowing exhaustion would linger.

Strategies Used: Recognizing sensory triggers, moving to a low-stimulation space immediately, providing sensory tools (noise-canceling headphones, fidget), avoiding demands or questions during peak overwhelm, and supporting gradual re-entry with hydration and rest.

In another article I intend to share calming strategies that have helped with all three behaviors when practiced in calm moments.